maybe i should just apply to be an existentialist detective, get hired, & then get fired for sucking at what i do.

i am convinced that i have lost at least 85% of any intelligence that i might have once possessed. thats really sad when you consider that even at my peak, my intelligence probably amounted to a microscopic puddle of dribble that came out of a goat's mouth in a petting zoo in lahore during the middle of august. why do i think that i can help anyone with this fellowship project im developing? i feel like puking on myself over and over again. lather. rinse. repeat.

i'm in one of those overly dramatic identity crisis moods again. the timing of my moods is starting to get so predictable that even im starting to get bored by them. but boredom has never catapulted me into productivity before, so of course, ill stay true to my nature and indulge myself with yet another disgusting cry-cry-cry-im-so-useless rant again. deja vu be damned.

i always make myself feel better by reminding myself that at least im not doing something as uninteresting with my life as using my law degree as a means to trade up an ugly ann taylor suit for a thats-so-five-minutes-ago marc jacobs one. (now if the trade up was for anything from
chanel's 2005 rtw collection - an uninteresting life would more than make up for it. of course, if i was the type of lawyer who not only could afford karl lagerfield's saliva inducing works of geniusness, but who could also pull off wearing it to work, i wouldnt exist. ugh, shut up. nice, this blog entry is such classic stupidsamar. im dementedly talking to myself in yet another completely unnecessary parenthetical statement AND tangenting on an inane superficial comment that no one else in the universe cares about all at the same time. the previous few sentences define me. if i ever have to send a rishta resume, i'm sending this parenthetical statement. actually, the sick skankness of it all is actually making me kind of like myself again. and for the cherry on top of this superficial sundae, i'm going to let you all know that last year during one of my meditative retreats to tj maxx, i found a gray tahari suit that was missing a price tag that obviously had been mistakenly placed in the clearance section. i know it was a mistake bc i saw similar tahari suits in the non-clearance section. i took it up to the sales person and asked him how much it was and told him i found it in the clearance section. i guess another important part of the story is that i already knew the salesman was a pervy muslim guy due to an earlier typically nauseating immigrant muslimmale in ohio pickup line he had used when i walked in, i.e., "are you a muslim? subhan'allah sister. its so beautiful to see a muslim woman in hijab. only a man she marries should see such heavenly beauty blah blah blah." so i took the gorgeous worldly possession up to the guy and blinked a few times. i was worried i might be overdoing it bc ive been told before that my intentional attempts at being coy make me seem like i have a tick, but the guy ignored the fact that i might possibly have turrets or maybe he just didnt care. such a sweet, sweet man. anyway, he randomly entered $25.99 into the computer and let me buy a gorgeous tahari suit for 25.99. the best part is, i dont feel guilty at all. oops, i forgot that i'm still inside a parenthetical statement. full stop.)

wow, im so off track i completely forget what i was ranting about earlier. hmm maybe my tangents are a self defense mechanism through which i avoid dealing with my insecurities. im so introspective, arent i? gross. i hate people who say "arent i?". perfect. now i hate myself again. ok, so back to my identity crisis of the moment. im starting to wonder whether whoring myself out to my ego by being a pseudo do gooder is worse than whoring myself out to some big firm for 84902340320 hours a week. at least then i wouldnt have the time to worry about the amount of brain cells ive lost.

what if i dont even get this fellowship? or even more disturbing, what if i get it and i start to pretend that i even remotely understand what these women go through? what if my project is reinforcing the same underlying patriarchal notions that theyre supposedly escaping? ahfkljadflsajflafd;jf/. i hate when my mind freezes like this and i feel paralyzed. ok i seriously have to stop. someone give me some vicodin.

oh and speaking of diminishing brain power, good luck to everyone taking the bar in the next few days. a million-zillion prayers and well wishes for everyone who is taking it!!! i just cant wait to feel your hell in february.


Blogger LaLa2000 said...

do you think that life is one big game of pretend? or do you think theres someone out there who actually knows what theyre doing and is doing it well? your self indulgent rant makes me feel better about my own...though you do do it so much better. plus you can now see without having to stick your fingers in your eyes several times a day. and theres fireworks outside for some reason. and youre cool. like b pitt. only shorter. and more female.

ps. as a fashion reject, i must ask...whats tahari?

3:01 PM  
Blogger koko said...

man u SUCK. how'd u get a tahari suit for $26?! anywayz, you're wonderful awesome and definitely not alone. everyone's in the e-same boat as you, so don't worry beta.

9:05 PM  
Blogger natasha1313 said...

i don't know what the hell you people are talking about. i plan on using my tier 1 law degree to litigate the hell out of my opponents and clock as many billable hours as possible so that not only do i have the entire karl lagerfield fall collection, he comes to my cooler than thou SoHo loft to personally alter each piece to most flatter me while my boyfriend cum model of the minute brings me a drink with evian ice cubes and belgian chococalte straight from belgium, flown in that morning on the concord.

on a side note, if you are doing something dogoodery you probably really are a dogooder and believe in what you are doing b/c its really easy to opt out and follow the money/shadi/ice cream path.

8:55 AM  
Blogger s am a r said...

lala: tahari. pretend is a good name for a board game.

koko: no, cincy shopping sucks. i miss/want/need cbus sales.

natasha: money/shadi lead to ice cream?!? im so there. or maybe you can just hire me to be a butler (butleress?) for your apt. i promise i wont even try to hook up with your boy toy as long as he has friends to share.

11:24 AM  
Blogger lululee said...

must come to cbus,,,, and shop me and sumbie have done nothing else for the last few days....i am still drooling over the sales.......mmm clearance prices!!!mmm donuts!!

12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should have went for that fob guy, maybe its a sign. Maybe you can help him get his green card :} By the way best of luck with your fellowship. You seem like an intelligent person, you'll do well. I had a fellowship and I had the same worries, but you'll get the lingo. well todaloo.

11:29 PM  

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