vote for summer!

theres a special congressional election here in ohio for district 2 (that includes a lot of you cincy subarbanites - dist 2 includes part of hamilton county, warren, clermont, brown, and a few other boofoo counties) on august 2. remember to vote!!!

paul hackett (d)
jean schmidt (r) [yuck]

info on the candidates:
today's ny times article on hackett;
citybeat endorsement of hackett ;
enquirer election coverage

and for anyone living in the city of cincinnati, remember the election for mayor is on sept 13. for a list of the candidates, click here.

for general voter/election info in the state of ohio, click here.

to find out where to vote or if youre in the 2nd cong. dist., click here.


All Ears for Tom Cruise, All Eyes on Brad Pitt

thank you.


maybe i should just apply to be an existentialist detective, get hired, & then get fired for sucking at what i do.

i am convinced that i have lost at least 85% of any intelligence that i might have once possessed. thats really sad when you consider that even at my peak, my intelligence probably amounted to a microscopic puddle of dribble that came out of a goat's mouth in a petting zoo in lahore during the middle of august. why do i think that i can help anyone with this fellowship project im developing? i feel like puking on myself over and over again. lather. rinse. repeat.

i'm in one of those overly dramatic identity crisis moods again. the timing of my moods is starting to get so predictable that even im starting to get bored by them. but boredom has never catapulted me into productivity before, so of course, ill stay true to my nature and indulge myself with yet another disgusting cry-cry-cry-im-so-useless rant again. deja vu be damned.

i always make myself feel better by reminding myself that at least im not doing something as uninteresting with my life as using my law degree as a means to trade up an ugly ann taylor suit for a thats-so-five-minutes-ago marc jacobs one. (now if the trade up was for anything from
chanel's 2005 rtw collection - an uninteresting life would more than make up for it. of course, if i was the type of lawyer who not only could afford karl lagerfield's saliva inducing works of geniusness, but who could also pull off wearing it to work, i wouldnt exist. ugh, shut up. nice, this blog entry is such classic stupidsamar. im dementedly talking to myself in yet another completely unnecessary parenthetical statement AND tangenting on an inane superficial comment that no one else in the universe cares about all at the same time. the previous few sentences define me. if i ever have to send a rishta resume, i'm sending this parenthetical statement. actually, the sick skankness of it all is actually making me kind of like myself again. and for the cherry on top of this superficial sundae, i'm going to let you all know that last year during one of my meditative retreats to tj maxx, i found a gray tahari suit that was missing a price tag that obviously had been mistakenly placed in the clearance section. i know it was a mistake bc i saw similar tahari suits in the non-clearance section. i took it up to the sales person and asked him how much it was and told him i found it in the clearance section. i guess another important part of the story is that i already knew the salesman was a pervy muslim guy due to an earlier typically nauseating immigrant muslimmale in ohio pickup line he had used when i walked in, i.e., "are you a muslim? subhan'allah sister. its so beautiful to see a muslim woman in hijab. only a man she marries should see such heavenly beauty blah blah blah." so i took the gorgeous worldly possession up to the guy and blinked a few times. i was worried i might be overdoing it bc ive been told before that my intentional attempts at being coy make me seem like i have a tick, but the guy ignored the fact that i might possibly have turrets or maybe he just didnt care. such a sweet, sweet man. anyway, he randomly entered $25.99 into the computer and let me buy a gorgeous tahari suit for 25.99. the best part is, i dont feel guilty at all. oops, i forgot that i'm still inside a parenthetical statement. full stop.)

wow, im so off track i completely forget what i was ranting about earlier. hmm maybe my tangents are a self defense mechanism through which i avoid dealing with my insecurities. im so introspective, arent i? gross. i hate people who say "arent i?". perfect. now i hate myself again. ok, so back to my identity crisis of the moment. im starting to wonder whether whoring myself out to my ego by being a pseudo do gooder is worse than whoring myself out to some big firm for 84902340320 hours a week. at least then i wouldnt have the time to worry about the amount of brain cells ive lost.

what if i dont even get this fellowship? or even more disturbing, what if i get it and i start to pretend that i even remotely understand what these women go through? what if my project is reinforcing the same underlying patriarchal notions that theyre supposedly escaping? ahfkljadflsajflafd;jf/. i hate when my mind freezes like this and i feel paralyzed. ok i seriously have to stop. someone give me some vicodin.

oh and speaking of diminishing brain power, good luck to everyone taking the bar in the next few days. a million-zillion prayers and well wishes for everyone who is taking it!!! i just cant wait to feel your hell in february.


the round up for this week

i watched charlie & the chocolate factory last weekend. its one of the most beautifully delicious movies ive seen in awhile. tim burton is a visual genius. johnny depp is one of the most interesting actors alive today. anyway, it was nice to revert back to being an 8 year old for a little while.

i have a lot of respect for teachers who teach teenagers and actually get them to engage in what theyre learning without slapping them 3 times first. my sincerest apologies to all my sunday school teachers.

for the past week and a half, i have had to wear my ugly nerd glasses for reasons other than sheer lazyness or waking up 3 minutes and 45 seconds before i was supposed to head out the door. this time my excuse for looking like a harry potter reading freak* is because i was scheduled to have lasik eye surgery earlier this week. wearing glasses with hijab is traumatic. its almost as traumatic as wearing the huge grapefruit shaped pink glasses that my mom bought for me in pakistan that i had to wear all throughout middle school. although, i have to admit i kind of loved my ugly glasses too. thats the bipolar in me. sometimes its nice to be an ugly non harry potter reading harry potter look alike. im going to miss wearing my ugly glasses. maybe ill just poke the lenses out and wear them anyway whenever i feel the need to extra ugly myself up.

anyway, back to my adventures in lasik surgery. so i went to the lasik center on monday thinking that the whole procedure would be over in about an hour. little did i know that dilating eye drops are racist against brown people too. the average person who gets lasik only needs 1 set of the dilating eye drops to sufficiently dilate their eyes. i needed 7. keep in mind, that these demented drops BURN. so blah blah blah cry for me blah blah. anyway, so they go ahead and do the rest of the prep stuff, including giving me some vicodin. finally i think im ready to go and they get me in the laser room and the dr tells me that he doesnt like the pictures that the technician took of my eyes before they were dilated so he cant perform the surgery since he needs a picture of my eyes in their pre-dilated state. so he sends me home with insanely dilated eyes and drugged out on vicodin and tells me to come back the next day. also, bc my eyes are extra dilated, he tells me that im not allowed to watch tv, use the computer, read, drive, or be in bright light without these insanely ugly goggles on. lovely. so i basically have to either sleep the whole day or sit in a shadow and come up with my own version of shadow puppet theater. not an entirely bad way to spend a day.

anyway, so i go back the next day, and they get me all ready again, and the dr tells me that my eyes should have gone back to their normal state by then, but theyre still overly dilated and probably wouldnt go back to normal for another 24-48 hours. ecstatic, i couldnt wait to go back home and sit in more shadows. there was one good thing about my crazy eyes though, the insanely clear night vision. that, i would love to keep.

so now im about to leave for round iii at the lasik center. hopefully, i dont come out a vicodin addict with racoon eyes.

*note: i have never read a harry potter book and do not plan on starting anytime soon. thank you, freaks.


neighborhood #1

it feels as if a trillion years have passed since i last posted. i live in cincinnati now. my life in columbus feels like it belonged to someone else - a pre-oprah show tom cruiseesque type of person.

time out for a 'i'm going to share what i'm actually thinking about right now' moment: for some reason i'm really missing my brother's stupid voices right now. especially the "champion!!!" one. i wish i could turn them into emoticons. i hate the word emoticons so much that i cant stop myself from using it. i have a personal resolution to slip it into my conversations with myself at least once a day. its like vocab workshop all over again. [end of emoticon filled moment.]

anyway, i thought i would hate being back in cincinnati. for the past few yrs i was convinced that there was nothing left for me to do here except to maybe finally learn how to pedal backwards on an elliptical machine for 50 minutes. i seriously thought that if i came back to cincinnati i would develop some insane form of early alzheimers. when i actually did move back home in may, my obnoxiousness hardcore thapred me in the face. reverberation style. i guess i had to move back to actually realize that i dont know anything about this city. i dont even recognize my own street anymore (in a good non-alzheimers kind of way).

being dead wrong has almost always been good for me - especially when it reminds me that if my existence was truly dependent upon my own self awareness, i would probably be swimming in a toilet bowl in topeka, kansas right now. amen for not really being in the driver's seat. and while i'm at it, another amen for the constant comfort of knowing that even if though i might have to endure being stuck in traffic on montgomery road for 473849328498329 minutes, at least i get to read the montgomery baptist church's cheesy quote of the week every time i pass by it. even my demented brain wouldnt be able to put jesus and seat belts together in the same sentence without the help of that road sign. geniusness. i think i might actually learn to love this city.

i think my problem was that in wanting to absorb all i could about everything and everywhere else, i never took the opportunity to really know my own home as an adult. i completely forgot about the way the afternoon sunlight completely changes the colors and sounds in my house. you dont have the time to notice the good stuff on crazy hectic weekend trips. and after 3 yrs of law school, actually having the time to obsess over books is like sleeping in birthday cake. i also forgot what an amazing sanctuary eden park can be. that park has definitely been its own character in my life. im learning that theres ways to connect with old friends that go beyond rehashing all the times that we got kicked out of masjid class. i love so many people here. i cant believe i let myself forget that.

so heres a partial list for my what i did on my summer vaction essay (since this ugly blog entry isnt embarrassing enough already):

1. i forget what happened on memorial day weekend but i remember i had an amazing weekend. oh yeah, we went to mt adams and i tried to convince t$ that she should forget the bar and move in with me instead. i was rejected. i hate lawyers.

2. i fixed our old birdfeeder and got all nerded out about birdseed. i sat in meijer's for 2 hours and read every book on bird food that they had. evil fat squirrels attacked my beautiful birdfeeder. birdfeeder broke. :( so i got a new squirrel-proof birdfeeder and i also made this awesome hummingbird feeder. evil fat squirrels DEsquirrel-proofed new birdfeeder and then broke my hummingbird feeder too. just for fun. :( i tried to squirrel-proof my birdfeeder again. evil fat squirrels broke the branch of the tree it sits on. i put it on a different branch. evil fat squirrels broke that branch too. evil fat squirrels win. for now.

3. i love mono even more now bc i found out that he is is deathly afraid of evil fat squirrels that de squirrel-proof squirrel-proof birdfeeders.

4. researching the warpedness of capital punishment does not reaffirm your faith in humanity. but it has made me remember why i used to want to marry jd salinger. if hes senile, i still might do that. it could work.

5. i need to stop reading everything except what im supposed to be reading. i need to write my proposal. i need to get to the point where im no longer procastinating thinking about writing it but im just procastinating actually writing it. theres a big difference.

6. anytime i hear someone say "ill do my level best" i fall in love again. such an ugly saying. i love british people. t$, i'm so jealous.

7. i got new books. happiness.

8. i have a crush on the old man who works at the costco gas station off fields ertel. you all should check him out. we can co-crush. hes so cool that even i can share.

9. sumbul and the big A's engagement was beautiful. i love them both together so much. if i had known that my sumbulina was going to get engaged to assad a long time ago, i probably wouldnt have minded being smushed into the bus window by nabeel and him every single morning in kindergarten as much.

10. koko, saima, shabeena, and i made up a dance for rashida's mehndi. ahahaha. good times.

11. july 4th weekend was such a blur with rashida's wedding and appna/houston all in one weekend. i cant believe it was only a little over a week ago. i had stick straight hair for an entire weekend!!!!!!!!!! i cant get over it. lina, my hair wants to marry you too now. my mom wants you to become her daughter instead. our salon is waiting. i had such an amazing weekend with all my girls. i love you guys. come back. please.

193. seema did a spur of the moment cincy trip this weekend. i suck at poker. puker. we all went to kings island last night. i love cincy mozlems. no one else understands amusement parks the way we do. and even though i practically lived at kings island when i was younger, i fiiiiiiiiiinally got a stupid kings island picture of all of us for the first time.

195. planning saima's booty shaking bridal shower

196. im substitute teaching masjid sunday school. senior girls level III & jr girls level II. my only definitive conclusion after my first day of class today, im going to home school my kids in a rain forest in new zealand. someone please remind me when the time comes.

201. my goals for the future: actually watching at least one of the movies we say we're going to watch when we hang out, adopt a kid, learn how to fence

THE END. [now no one can complain that i dont update my ugly blog. this should last for the next 7 months to a year.]